


The McPandesal Fic

by koodelek



Category: pandesal cafe
Genre: Gen, budget homestuck, koodtopia, mcdonalds, pain and suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 01:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30047592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koodelek/pseuds/koodelek
Summary: we all go to mcdonalda :D rough draft is the final draft because i  live by #yolo
Kudos: 2





	The McPandesal Fic

THE MCPANDESAL FIC

(disclaimer this is a joke i litaerally cant/dont write lol)

Your name is KOODELEK. You run a RELIGION called KOODCORE, and you have a DEVOUT mass of followers ready to learn from every meaningful amalgamation of words that escapes your disgusting dry chapped lips. You are not divine but your circus troupe of 'besties' may as well believe you are. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Today is a noteable day in that it's MCDONALDS DAY... a day for you to gather your lousy followers and let them breathe some fresh air for once in their pitiful lives. You need to be pretty careful incase one of them gets a little too much unprocessed oxygen and develops an INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. That would be just horrible. You're getting all sweaty even thinking about it. A rebellion against your cruel and forceful hand on humanity is the last thing you need. Anyway. You breathe out harshly and try to let go of this unwelcome notion, taking a second to look at the dense cloudcover above. Far too thick to see any pure sunlight, and honestly perfect conditions for your little OUTING. You head outside without taking a coat and start up your clown car as your disciples patiently await you in their dwellings.

You cruise the streets languidly (by your standards), enjoying the ridiculous HONK noise of your car horn. You don't even like clowns but this is pretty entertaining. You turn right up Baker Avenue to collect the first follower. Or you would have if you could drive. You were going at like 110mph on an uncared-for crater-filled road, so as you very violently strike the polka-dotted primary-coloured eye-burning steering wheel to the right the car skids across the cronk creat and hits a rather girthy pine tree. You barely feel the impact but your poor clown car is dented and the windshield is completely shattered. You just don't care so you reverse anyway, the wheels are still turning after all. You continue to cruise down the street in search of MEGAN.

Megan's house is made of AIR DRY CLAY. This is pretty standard in Koodtopia. It's taken you long enough to get here, so you quickly run up Megan's cobbled driveway and kick down the shitty clay door. Judging by her facial expression she was expecting this. You find your breath feels a little shallow... she's really dressed to impress. Her spunchbop shirt is slightly oversized and her eyeliner is alluringly asymmetrical, even you have to admit she looks handsome.  
"Sus !!!!" her excessively american accent causes you to jolt out of your dream-state. Your whole body cringes and suddenly you remember why you dont do McDonald Day more often.  
"Kood chill the fuck out i'm not part of your imaginary cult." she says. You try not to visibly shake in anger. Maybe SHE should chill the fuck out huh?????? MAybe SHE@S the insane one???!?!? You slap your head to clear these thoughts and instead you think 'WHATEVER'. What does someone named MEGAN know anyway? You just sigh and walk with her to the wreck of a clown car which you plan to drive. She looks kinda disconcerted but you feel that's not your problem and push her into the bright yellow faux leather seat.

The car ride is pretty silent until you drive by an unusually large bush and megan spots a HUMAN HAND on the grass next to it. She starts freaking out and banging on the fractured window as if she were trapped or something, forcing you to vigorously slam on the brakes and imperil both of your delicate little spines. This stuns her into silence (intended effect) and you both abandon the car in the middle of a two-way street to go check out the bush.  
"Wow," you say with an incredibly flat affect, "great."  
It's unmistakeably XUE. He's just... there. On the grass. Asleep. You don't know what to do with yourself so you awkwardly shift from foot to foot and avoid megan's eyes. If you had looked up at megan then you'd have seen that she doesn't know what to do with herself either. Xue was one of the only people who WANTED to join Koodcore but you knew you couldn't accept him into the ranks due to his OUTRAGEOUS BELIEFS in EVOLUTION. It makes you a little queasy to think about, science and all that. Koodtopia was born out of a wild yet unexplained cosmic disturbance that must have been caused by an UNTAMED HERD of star-cattle in the fields of LIGHT and DUST. Or so you learned in a dream once and since no one has challenged this view you gotta assume its true. How else could a planet come to be? Space works in mysterious ways. You realise you have gone on a tangent and swiftly look up into the foliage behind the aforementioned bush. It's unsurprisingly all pine trees. The earth Koodtopia was built on isn't bountiful to all life forms, but specifically not to oak, mahogany, birch, palm, chestnut..... You need to get to McDonald's soon before you loose your grip on reality.

You continue to ignore megan's pathetic complaints of "Kood you dumb bitch are you on drugs or something???" and squint into the sparse woodland. Awesome... as if your day couldn't get any worse it's CHELLY. You dread to think what he and Xue were doing together. And honestly? You're so done. Today has just been pitfall after pitfall and you aren't even halfway to McDonald. If you didn't have the all-encompassing knowledge you're pretty sure you do, you might suspect that your followers aren't as DEVOUT as you thought they were. You shake your head and let Chelly's clumsy form blend into the tall pines and turn the fuck around. You aren't gonna let anything else ruin MCDONALD'S DAY.

Clown car speeding down the highway, you don't even care to look in the rear view mirror and ackowledge megan's fear at your driving. You let the HONK HONK HONK sound HONK of the car horn HONK to drown out your HONK HONK anger HONK. Megan is practically in HONK tears. You take a SHORTCUT through a MAINTAINED FLOWER-PATCH, and leaving crushed poppies in your wake you arrive at the wooden hut where you have housed a number of your followers. 

You notice how draughty it is the moment you step through the doorway. There is no door. No wonder there's drafts. You're about to LAUGH but megan SLAPS you on the back of your head. You look down from your magnificent height of 7'3 and you see ROB, LUVI, and HONOKA all sitting on the dirty floorboards. They're huddled for warmth and as you loom over them you can see behind their angled ANDROID PHONES that they are all on GENSHIN IMPACT. Normally you would be struggling to contain your rage right now but due to the very unfortunate events of today you decide to pretend you did not see. You're too busy lifting them all up to standing position by the backs of their shirts to even think about how they have wifi. This hut smells really musty... suspiciously musty. Unusually musty. Musty enough for you to take notice of this bizarre scent. This either means something really BAD or that your followers have been getting a sufficient lack of MIND-ALTERING OXYGEN. Look around at the mangled curtains on the damp windowless walls of the hut and try to locate the source. You're not a fucking sniffer dog so obviously you can't. Your head turns to face the three weakest members of the Church of Koodcore.  
"Did you... read my newsletter?" you say, very demurely. It is all an act but a calm tone is key in giving them a false sense of security.  
They're all silent for about 7 seconds before rob says "...yes." You just KNOW they're lying. All of these so called 'patrons' to Koodcore are TRAITOROUS LIARS. God. You can't have anything these days. Your carefully drafted newsletter would've informed them that we are having MCDONALD'S DAY today. Maybe you should condemn the shunning of organised religious activity. In fact, you will, starting now. No more poor conduct and indifference.  
"All three of you will be attending McDonald's today," you manage to say through your disappointment, "now..... WHAT is that SMELL?".

It is the basement. One of the disciples dug through the floorboards of the mouldy hut like a rat and revealed the subsurface space which was originally made for BOMB THREATS and CHURCH MEETINGS. As you descend the fragile staircase you can hear the footsteps of the four people above, muttering something or other about "delusions". Whatever they're talking about is insignificant to you! You're too busy trying not to impale your FOOT on the RUSTY NAILS sticking out from the bottom of each step. You really could've put more effort into Koodtopia infrastructure. The walls are disgustingly damp and the smell is nauseating. Try your best not to touch anything. There's only about 10 steps in total but every step you take makes it harder to breathe as the already thick air fills with coloured vapour and dust. Finally you breach the fumes and enter the ceremonial room where they all settle at the ceiling. No wonder the walls are so damp. It's really...grotty. There's definetly people in here but you can't see with all the dust in your eyes so you rub really hard while blinking tears out.  
Meet MARTY and LAMB. Perhaps even the most peculiar sight you have ever layed cloudy eyes on, the room is only illuminated by a magenta glow coming from the large pewter cauldron in the centre of the chamber. Lamb stands mute in the corner seeming haunted, and as your eyes settle on Marty's face he lets out a HISS with dilated pupils. What the fuck. He's mutated?  
"We have... recieved the newsletter..." they both chant with poor conviction. You're hearing the words but barely registering the meaning. Marty has neon pink cat ears on his head, and a pink tail to match. His teeth look sharper than you remember and his fur is standing on edge. Lamb stands like a statue despite being like 3'4 and emenates the putrid vibe of betrayal and dark magic. Again, you're not a sniffer dog so you have no idea. It's pretty cool that they actually read the newsletter, this is the kinda dedication to Koodcore you've been hoping for! You completely disregard the rotten sorcery taking place and pull both unearthly forms out from the depths of the infertile earth under the hut. Now there are 6 clowns in the clown car, and you.

The clown radio is blaring Fortnite American Boy parody [Chug Jug with YOu] and your car is barely moving. Don't let this stop you from going at full speed, the law is made up. You check your list of loyal followers and see only one name left... JALA. You know they await you at MCDONALD'S. Always ahead of the curve, you bet they already got us seats. You take the time to turn around and look into the backseat while turning a sharp curve on the road, and notice everyones face seems incredibly flat. This probably means joy, what do you know? You lean back into the clown seat and smile knowing that everything is going to plan as you pass pine trees obscured by motion blur. It's really cold in the clown car, either because the glass in the windows fell out at Baker Avenue or because of Lamb'sEnergy. It feels like ghostly tendrils are reaching out from the backseat and wrapping themselves around your neck and imbuing you with harmful magic, and it kinda tickles hehe.

MCDONALD'S is now in sight. It's still the middle of the day but the clouds have suddenly cleared and the sky is nearly pitch black. There's barely any stars despite being able to see the masses of vibrant alcohol gas millions of miles away. You swear you can hear demonic whispers coming from behind you, and as you glance back you see honoka luvi and rob trembling sandwiched in between marty and lamb. You forced megan to sit in the passenger seat and she looks uncomfortable. The closer you get to the McEstablishment the darker it gets and the rows upon rows of pine trees become less distinguishable. You wouldn't be able to see you own hands out there. Are Xue and Chelly still alive? It seems like you and megan have an unspoken mutual agreement to not mention how you left them both out in the wilderness. The clown radio is getting more staticcy by the yard, losing connection from mainland Koodtopia. You're just about close enough to see the unnaturally yellow McArch, and a number of crescent moons forming a semi-loop around it. There should only be one moon, and certainly not at midday. This is a HORRIBLE time for a COSMIC DISTURBANCE. Resist the urge to slam you head into the wheel. HONK. Ah well, let's just say cosmic forces are messing with your willpower.  
You're so close. You feel so excited you try not to cry. The whole clown car is trying not to cry, probably out of excitement. JALA awaits. ">:)" you say.

>Step out of the clown car

The whole thing collapses into worthless metal sheets the moment you and everyone leaves the clown car. Where are the nails? this shit running on gorilla glue? Marty and Lamb laugh as one voice.  
"Did you spike my water or somehting kood??? cause what the fuck?" megan asks. Of course you didn't but if you try explaining the possible COSMIC DISTURBANCE she'll think you're insane.  
"No dumbass," you respond professionally. You need to keep your composure as a religious preacher at all times "the vibe is kinda off guys right hahah??" Good job on being relatable. You did it. Everyone is calmer. Good job. 

>Walk towards the entrance of McDonald's

What on earth is this path made of? Or what not on earth.... the closest approximation to the material making up the ground would be netherrack in minecraft. It's an arrangment of red and brown mottled in no particular pattern. It's suspiciously sound absorbent too, you keep having to look behind you to make sure your little circus is following because you can't hear a single footstep. Marty and Lamb are levitating. Band kid energy if you ask me.

>Arrive.

Yeah you're here. What do next?

You turn around for a quick pep talk.  
"Listen up... everyone has to be on their BEST BEHAVIOUR. If anyone embarrasses me and this organisation you will be EXILED." You are semi-serious when you say this, you can't really afford to lose more members. They all look at you like you're insane.  
"Uh...not to offend but you know that koodcore is made u-" honoka starts before megan slams her hand across her mouth to muffle the end of the sentence.  
"Yeah yeah, whatever that little performance was." you scoff. Bizarre behaviour.  
"Awesome, let's go" says Megan through gritted teeth. You guess she's hungry. Lamb and Marty just look evil. 

You all step into the MCDONALD'S confidently and take a look around. It's exactly like you'd expect. There's white marble flooring with a lavish red carpet leading from the entrance to the service till, the ceilings are high and lofty with meticulously carved details where the wall connects. The happy meal display is proudly positioned by the east wall of the building, and the seating area lies west. There's many completely empty tables apart from one long oak bench occupied by a single person. It looks like the image of the last supper, cosmic rays gently falling onto the single mortals head. It's JALA. Lead everyone to the table and let your footsteps loudly echo, then gracefully sit in your assigned seats.  
"FINALLY. HI!" jala stabs her plastic fork into the hard wood table. "Isn't it creepy here lmao," she mused "its lowkey really fitting for your whole ritual thing kood." You think nothing of the way jala talks about Koodcore. It's whatever you guess.  
She starts again, "Whyd you bring these two occult-ish bastards lol?". Marty and lamb both look perfectly pleasant.  
"Dude they're part of the group," you argue, "Look i have practically everyone here! Those three are kinda quiet though and i dont know what's megan's deal".  
"Cause this is weird kood. literally what is wrong with you" mutters Megan. You assume she means this kindly. Rob Luvi and Honoka are returning to the table with slightly pigmented wax sticks (not legally enough pigment to be referred to as CRAYONS). Jala seems pretty bemused.  
"He's literally purring." says megan, head in hands. Marty is purring. God knows what happened to him.  
"I just hope we get service fast" sighs Luvi. So do you, and in anticipation you cast your eyes over the cold and empty floor in the McDonald's. There's a little figure running across the floor... little scaramouche... will he do the fandango? This is PROTA and he is pushing a broomstick across the marble expanse, sweeping up none existant crumbs. He's in a workers outfit but it doesn't seem like he's fit to serve customers. Loser lol. The noise of the stiff bristles scratching the floor reminds you of a stage being prepped for a show. Snap out of it, this is Mcdonald's not broadway, and you have a serious day to honour. The moment you return your focus to the group the middle of the restaurant dims and prota scurries away. 

Meet the STAFF.  
A very LARGE CLOWN tapdances into the middle of the 'stage'. The metal plates are hitting the floor too loudly. This is SUNNY MITCHELL DEE. And oh god, he's singing.  
"WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME,  
TO OUR FINE ESTABLISHMENT,  
SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU HERE!" the jester swing sings. You just want a fucking 20 piece chicken nugget.  
"SKIBBIDDY SCOOBYBOOP BADEEBADOOP SKAPOW..."  
You have no words. You all silently watch as WILM also tapdances onto stage to join sunny. He pulls out a pocket harmonica and starts tunelessly humming.  
"OUR PRICES ARE SO LOW, WHY?  
YOU DONT WANNA KNOW,  
ALL YOU NEED FOR YOUR SPECIAL DAY,  
IS SOMETHING DEEP-FRIED LETS SAY,  
SKABBAWABBA SWEEPSWOP BADOP..."  
Jala is laughing her head off. Her dandruff hits the table. Pretend not to notice. At this point even megan looks amused, and wide eyed in shock of what she's seeing and trying to hold back tears. Lamb is glowing maliciously. You look towards rob and whisper, "are you seeing this too????". "unfortunately yeah." rob replies. Sunny is dressed in some amateur ronald mcdonald cosplay while wilm looks like a murder journalist. Their dance routine is oddly complicated but they keep stepping on each others toes.  
You hear the sound of small wheels rolling. Enter SPOON stage right and ANNIE stage left, both on rollerskates and in uniform. They really don't look happy to be here, but such is the life of a McDonald's employee. Truth is it's just far worse organised than a recognised institution like KOODCORE. Both skate around in a figure of 8 formation carrying a laminated paper menu, Annie breaks down crying as she has to pass by sunny and spoon just looks miserable. You feel kinda bad... sunny has a pretty tight ship going on with co-owner wilm and this McDonald's is ran like the army. You dread to think of the strict rules imposed on these two feeble employees. They skate towards the table and throw the menu to you. It makes a fwubuwufbwufubw noise and almost hits honoka in the face.  
"SO, PLEASE DEAR AND VALUED CUSTOMER!  
ORDER FROM THE MCFAMILY TODAY!" Finally this ridiculous ditty is coming to an end. Both owners march off stage, pulling an employee by the sleeve each. The lights turn back on and there's a stunned silence. Even jala has nothing to say.

"Well," says marty in an uncomfortably human voice "I already know i'm getting the fish-o-filet."

You almost laugh but you hear a very sudden heavy downpour of rain. Ignore this. The sky isn't opening. AHaha...

As your 'food' arrives all the STAFF sit down at the table with you. Koodtopia is a pretty small world. The group starts up a lively chatter over their meal but no one really wants to touch it. You look down at your 20 piece nuggets you ordered and notice it is a RAW BURGER on a STONE BUN served with HOLY WINE. Uh. Everyone around the table has holy wine, but it's a religious meeting so you choose to just let this go. Even though you wanted sprite. But the longer you sit here the more dust you notice... the sprite would probably have spiders or something in it anyway. Sunny and Wilm seem more evil than a normal McManager so you try not to look at them too long. Instead, you turn your head to LAMB who is the only person with an actual cooked and edible burger on their plate. They touch is with the tip of their bewitched finger and it turns raw. You're so tired of this bullshit... uncooking a cooked burger? hello? are you insane? It's so hard being a KOODCORE PREACHER. Looking around the table you would think you're the only person who's hearing the rain and thunder and powerful wind beating down from the sky. There's a rythmic thumping which is definetly coming from outside and out the window you SWEAR you can see small glowing fragments falling like tissue paper. RIP Xue and Chelly. And possibly Prota.  
You watch Jala bite into their STONE BUN like an absolute idiot before loudly clearing your throat.  
"Those of you who have read my newsletter will know why we are here. Those of you who haven't are on thin ice. which is most of you. We were originally here to discuss the future of our group but due to todays events.... there may not be a future." Oh this is so emotional. Your voice catches in your throat. Literally no one else gasps, so you continue, "I'm afraid... I'm afraid that the world is ending. We have to do SOMETHING to save our future. Before we all turn to ashes and dust and become meaningless. There may never be life again to find our remains and study my teachings. I pray you all understand the gravity of this situation... as we speak i can hear the star spangled cloven hooves of the cattle."  
"Kood," says spoon very bluntly, "this isn't homestuck."  
"yeah... megan said you were acting weird today. You kicked her door down?" asks Annie. You look at megan and hope she feels ashamed. All these haters around the table on a day as important as today. You can't even look at everyone in silent disdain because sunny is actually eating the stone fries. Really quite loud. You almost scream in frustration and beg for a miracle to happen.

Like the wind Lamb's fluid form drifts up off his seat and pulls all his ghostly matter meters above everyone. Spoon and Annie are both cast in dark shadow and are engulfed in a dark matter, skin suddenly turning clear and glassy. It's absolutely grotesque, you can see each vein and muscle under their skin and they can't even struggle to get out of the cursed sludge.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAVKJSB KBD..LJBVWBDV.......SNKCK" Honoka SCREAMS in horror and faints, colour leaving her skin. The shock was too much. You yourself are frozen in your seat, cause it's always the ones you least expect to be breaking the universe apart. Personally you would have suspected Megan.  
Out of the shadows appears PROTA and with a very desparate attempt lunges towards the slime to try and pull annie and spoon to safety. This is so incredibly dumb I hope you all understand why. Prota is consumed by the slime and becomes useless.  
"Oh my god," purrs marty, "We need to kill lamb."

Those of us not trapped in slime spring into action, Luvi whips a massive assault rifle out of her back jeans pocket and rob has both hands around a metal platter. Marty extends his claws and springs up in the air, catching onto a ceramic chandelier. A very heavy thud from above brings down a mass of rock which narrowly misses marty and lands right in the middle of the table, splintering it into pieces. From under half the table you see sunny open clowns ROBOTIC PLATINUM-PLATED CHEST and lift wilm inside. Yes exactly like fnaf. It's a terrifying sight. Charged and deadly particles start flying towards luvi coming from lamb's direction, and rob leaps to save luvi's life by vollying the glowing mass back using the platter. This is no match for lamb who's whole body disintegrates and rematerializes two meters from where the balls were heading. Using this moment of distraction Luvi expertly fires her rifle and lamb moves so quick they glitch and scream. Close enough to the chandelier, they are smothered by catboy marty and pushed away from the ceiling. You quickly move into the empty space to prevent lamb from teleporting but as the marble under your feet cracks you need to run for your life. Sunny-wilm propel JALA armed with McCutlery through the air and onto lamb. Jala lands with a heavy noise as the plastic prongs tear into monster flesh and lamb writhes, the arm with the fork dissipating into nothing. Now armless lamb looks angrier than ever and they scream causing torrential rain to start pouring through the holes in the roof caused by falling rocks. Megan has fashioned a LASSOO out of SHOELACES and she is stood with one leg on each half of the broken table whirling it above her head. She throws her entire body forwards and hurls the lassoo around lamb's shoulders, tightening it with your help. One arm GONE and one arm TRAPPED lamb can't use their weird ballz attack.  
"LUVI NOW!" you scream and luvi aims at lamb and shoots. Like in slow motion, you watch the bullet hit lamb and the the invisible shield around them shatters into pieces, leaving unprotected and uncursed lamb defenseless and lying on the floor. Meet the REAL LAMB. 

The thunder ceases and rain stops pouring in through the roof. You and everyone else (bar spoon annie honk and prota who are unconscious) crowd around lamb in wonder. They are alive and well and they stand up with ease, not caring even slightly for what just happened. Real sunlight comes through the windows and you sigh in relief as Koodcore is saved... it's a miracle.  
"Marty what the fuck was in that cauldron" you ask.  
"Fanta." he shrugs. You didn't know fanta was evil like this.  
"okie.... lets go to a real mcdonalds" you say and everyone goes with you cause you're really awesome. They unconscious people stay there cause they're heavy. THE END.

IN MEMORY OF: CLOWN CAR


End file.
